2nd opinion: Call my blush

Do you make a lot of noise when you have sex? Sorry, perhaps that question was a bit personal – let me ask you another instead. Do you make a lot of noise when you have an argument with your partner? Still none of my business?

Most mediation cases are to do with noise and I've given examples of typical cases in previous columns, but recently we've had a few disputes where an answer to the question at the beginning of this article was needed before we could begin to help them sort out the problem.

As a service, we have no particular views on the matter – after all, we have to remain impartial. But as human beings we have a variety of conflicting views and attitudes on the subject and, if we're honest, it's a problem we'd rather not have to resolve.

Before we even get around to dealing with the issues, we seem to universally start with hesitant references, euphemisms or words silently mouthed, leading to embarrassed silences and nervous laughter.

Here we find the first part of our problem. What do you call it? Sex, making love, adult athletics – I'm sure you can add a few terms to this list, but using the wrong one with irate or upset tenants can make the situation worse.

In our service, we seem to have settled on "bedroom noises" as the general term for several reasons. First, it is an embarrassing subject for most people and the idea that their neighbour can hear them in the throes of passion is mortifying. So a respectful but light-hearted approach can be useful in opening up a meaningful dialogue that might lead to solving the neighbour dispute.

Second, it gets around the problem of the complainant getting into an argument with you about how that cacophony cannot possibly be associated with making love or procreation.

You have to avoid, at all costs, getting into a debate about how loud sex "should" actually be. Once you've got around the language difficulties you need to think about what possible solutions might exist.

Mediation is not a solution-oriented process but it does help to try to consider what outcomes are possible before you start to manage the dialogue between the disputants.

I've always maintained that you cannot legitimately insist that someone change their sexual habits to appease their neighbours. If one party is disturbed every night of the week to the extent that they are losing sleep and cannot function in the day, there may be a need to broach the subject with their neighbour. But, even then, it must be up to them to decide what they ought to do about it.

If you disagree, and believe that a warning letter is the first approach, you may escape having to find an answer to the first question in this column, but you may be left instead with having to find an answer to the second.

Relationships are complicated things, and most of us spend a lifetime dealing with the associated stresses and strains without ever finding the perfect equation for a happy co-existence.

Some couples spend much longer trying to balance that equation and the ensuing noise – bedroom or otherwise – will occasionally have an impact on others.

And if you are one of those couples – either stressed and shouting, or passionate and expressive – the last thing you and your partner need is a clumsy conversation with a stranger about the intimate aspects of your life, or to be told to put a sock in it.