How to survive… being a slacker

Be charming

Most slackers don’t need to be told this, as it happens to be an innate character trait. A natural born slacker can charm the socks off a traffic warden. This means sticky work situations (often of your own making) can be nipped in the bud by a generous helping of your irresistible charm.

Be clever

Analyse your colleague’ personalities shrewdly. Who do you get on with? Who is likely to grass you up for not setting up a meeting, attending a presentation, etc? Make sure your back is always covered and you have a willing alibi.

Be cool

An idler’s best weapon is the fact that people want to be his friend, in the vain hope that his innate sense of style, effortless turn of phrase and clever humour will rub off on them. Of course there will also be hardworking colleagues out to sabotage the slacker out of sheer envy (and who can blame them).

Display moments of genius in meetings

Obviously it helps if you also have a quick mind, but successful slackers are usually blessed with one. As soon as you have a fantastic idea, any former situations where you’ve been caught ‘underperforming’ will be instantly erased from everyone’s mind.

Be a shrewd meeting scheduler

Take control of where and when those meetings will take place. This way your slacker tendencies will be fulfilled without getting you into trouble. For instance, if you can plan a three-hour lunchtime meeting in a totally excellent restaurant (preferably near your home) do so. Then you can just saunter home for a bit of shut-eye and congratulate yourself on a job well done.

Organise medical appointments wisely

Again, the loafer in you comes into his own by making sure that your appointments are first thing in the morning (allowing for a comfortable lie-in of course) or late afternoon (preferably on a Friday) so you can bunk off the rest of the day.

Be very wily with emails

Always reply to messages, no matter how pointless they may seem. And make sure you cc the right people. Be very astute about letting your superiors know your movements, especially when they cast you in a good light.

Be very hot on employee’s rights

You risk becoming the arch-enemy of the HR department of course – but, hey, so much the better. This means knowing, for instance, the legal temperature for working in cold conditions (in case the central heating breaks down) or hot conditions (in case the air con conks out). If the situation arises, you’ll all be sent home. And, what’s more, everyone will love you for it.

Be enigmatic

Create an aura of mystery around yourself so that colleagues can’t suss you out. If people are catching on to your penchant for slacking, drop in how you you’re so excited about a new work project that you lay awake planning it. Just be sure to keep a straight face.

Never admit mistakes

If you have cocked up terribly on something, always pretend you weren’t involved. You won’t believe how quickly you’ll leap up the career ladder. Once you’re high up, another slacker will have to admit your promotion was a mistake – so, bingo! – you’re there to stay…