An open secret

“The secrecy went on for six months until I left the organisation. It was a relief to finally tell our colleagues because it meant we didn’t have to sneak around any more.” Tony Hart, head of human resources at Family Housing Group, was a member of a council human resources team when he began deceiving his colleagues – even though he hadn’t actually done anything wrong.

Like many people, he had started dating a workmate who later became his wife.

“We were worried about office gossip and we didn’t want to seem unprofessional.”

It’s a familiar story. On Valentine’s day next week, many of us will be exchanging cards with colleagues or former colleagues – covertly or otherwise. Office romances are fraught with perils, but one of the hardest decisions is whether or not to let on.

Admitting that you’re having a relationship with someone else in your organisation is unlikely to be a problem in itself.

Some organisations have a code of conduct laying out dos and don’ts for having relationships, and City firms sometimes even have employment contracts forbidding employees from getting together but in housing this is very unlikely. Sally Jacobson, London & Quadrant’s human resources director, says: “If we had policies forbidding romances, people would keep it secret and that would be worse.”

Hart says: “Family has no formal guidelines; I tell managers it’s fine as long as it doesn’t interfere with their staff’s work.”

If you’re directly junior or senior to your partner, it’s a very good idea to come clean to avoid accusations of a conflict of interest. Problems could arise if you are responsible for checking each other’s work and mistakes slip through – for example, if you both work in finance signing off cheques and a misdemeanour comes to light.

Similarly, if your relationship is with a tenant or contractor, it could be a conflict of interest under schedule 1 of the Housing Act 1996.

Louis Robert, senior partner at solicitor Prince Evans, says: “If a senior development officer had an affair with a senior person at a contractor and there was an improper award, the Housing Corporation would view it as a severe breach and you could be dismissed.”

If the person you are seeing is responsible for your training, promotion, salary awards and so on, you are on dangerous ground.

“If you go out with your boss, be open about it so people don’t find out and suspect you’re abusing your position,” says Ashley Miskin, senior partner at housing recruitment firm Ethan Jay.

If accusations of favouritism are proved, this could lead to dismissal. Or if a colleague leaves because they feel they have been passed over unfairly, your employer could be dragged into a case for their constructive dismissal.

It may be daunting to have your colleagues aware of your love life, but if things turn sour, that can actually be an advantage. “For example, if a young officer goes out with someone senior and it ends badly, the senior person exposes themselves to accusations of sexual harassment,” says Roberts. Although this would need strong evidence to prove, facing an employment tribunal over this kind of allegation could do serious damage to your career.

Sometimes people do not feel able to admit their affairs – if one of you is married, say. But if you can, the best way to avoid any suggestion of impropriety is to take a deep breath and let your manager know what’s going on. Picking your moment can still be tricky, but the most sensible time is probably when it looks like the relationship is getting serious, says HR consultant Sandy Staff.

Whatever your situation, your privacy should be guaranteed though, she adds.

“I would expect confidentiality from the manager in any discussions.”