Cerberus

Who wants to be a Millionaire?
Cerberus certainly does but, he wouldn't resort to criminal activity in order to live a life of luxury. Unlike three masked raiders in Stowmarket, it seems...

Apparently, the men in question recently broke into a warehouse in the sleepy Suffolk town, tied up the 58-year-old security guard and proceeded to make off with an unusual haul – 5,000 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?' board games worth a cool £135,000.

Apparently, the £26.99 games – based on Chris Tarrant's hugely successful ITV1 game show – were loaded into a Volvo lorry for the escape. And each box contained a ticket offering the lucky purchaser a chance to face Mr Tarrant for real on The Magic Rectangle.

Just think... If any of our three suspects are brave (or stupid) enough to take the bait, programme makers Celador might soon be giving away £1,000,000 to a crook.

Now that would be rich.

"I want my MTV!"
...An oft-heard refrain from the Dire Straits' classic 'Money For Nothing', one of Cerberus' all-time faves. Sadly, the pioneering music video-on-television channel MTV – on which the Geordie rockers plied their trade so successfully – has had a hard time of it lately.

While organising what was yet another excellent MTV Europe Awards extravaganza in Frankfurt the other week, the media moguls that run the channel appeared to neglect one small detail – security. Cerberus has discovered that thieves stole all 21 awards trophies from MTV Europe's hq in London's Oxford Street.

Luckily for the embarrassed MTV bosses, all the gongs were fakes! They had been used backstage for press photos, while the originals remain in Germany to be engraved.

Sources in the music world believe the dummy trophies to be worth a paltry £200. Looks like the thieves will have to carry on singing for their supper just that little bit longer, then.

The name's Bints... Paul Bints
A serial conman who fooled garage staff into letting him test-drive an Aston Martin DB7 by posing as a millionaire has been found guilty of stealing the £55,000 luxury sports car by The Glasgow Sheriff Court.

35-year-old Paul Bints told staff at the Anniesland Trade Centre in Glasgow that he was a wealthy businessman, and could afford to pay for the motor in cash. He tricked salesman Ross Campbell into the test drive, stopped at a local pub for lunch, excused himself to make a 'phone call and then disappeared over the horizon with James Bond's favourite mode of transport.

Though not quite a silver DB5 with ejector seat, the car turned up in Edinburgh four days later having clocked up no less than 900 miles.

Bints vehemently denied the charges, but the Judge and Jury were not convinced. Hardly surprising, really. After all, chief Prosecutor Allan Macleod told the Jury that Bints had been sentenced once before – to four years in jail by St Albans Crown Court back in 1998. His crime? Tricking a salesman out of an £83,000 Ferrari sports car while posing as the Earl of Arundel.

Your parking problems solved
Did you know that 20,000,000,000 – yes, 20 billion – car parking 'acts' are carried out in Britain each year by something like 25,000,000 vehicles? You do now.

As their jobs become more and more diverse, parking corporate luminaries' cars is often down to the security guard. Any managers who fear a dilution of the security task thanks to duties like this should fear not, though... as British scientists are looking at developing cars that park themselves.

A team at Siemens' Roke Manor research base in leafy Hampshire have come up with a nifty little computer-based system. When the driver arrives at his or her chosen destination, they simply press a designated button. This triggers a computer-controlled electric motor which turns the steering wheel and guides the car into even the tightest of spots.

Any scratches to the paintwork on the chairman's car can now be blamed on the machine and not the guard. What a relief.

That just leaves the Working Time Directive to be sorted out now...

Tunnel vision required
Cerberus' spies across the Channel have informed your ever-faithful canine companion that, not before time, security at the Calais-based Eurostar terminal is to be stepped up by way of a £1.5 million intruder beam and CCTV-based scheme to deter illegal asylum seekers attempting to board trains bound for Blighty.

Having travelled on the service a few short months ago, Cerberus feels that CCTV should be used to cover another part of the Eurostar operation – the kitchens where all the Buffet Car sandwiches are prepared for passengers.

Maybe then we'll discover how these dough-based offerings are made to look so full when, in reality, away from the epicentre the fillings just about manage to poke their head above the butter. Isn't minimalism a crime these days?