Cerberus

Son, you've no leg to stand on
CERBERUS' SNOUTS IN THE NORTH EAST HAVE come up trumps again this month, informing your canine companion about a (literally and physically) legless individual in the region who recently tried to flee the scene of a crime – by shuffling away on the seat of his pants.

Far be it from us to make fun of the less able-bodied, but 22-year-old Robert Bates deserves some stick. Why? He'd drunk no less than 16 pints of lager before being persuaded to act as an "executive lookaht" (as Uncle Albert used to say) for two of his friends during an attempted burglary. Unbeknown to them, the homeowner – a security officer, no less – was in residence.

Having been caught in the act, Bates (of County Durham) pleaded guilty to attempted burglary. He was spared a prison term after the Judge was assured that our hapless friend is now back on the straight and narrow.

After downing so many pints of the Amber Nectar, you'd wonder if that were possible...

Struck by a smooth criminal
Burglary charges were recently dropped against 28-year-old Paul Gilhaney after confused witnesses and victims failed to recognise him in an identification parade – because he'd shaved off his eyebrows.

Custody officers allowed Gilhaney to shave before going on parade, as the suspect had been described to them as being clean shaven.

Thankfully, the last laugh is very much on Gilhaney – the Judge at Cardiff Crown Court jailed him for six months for perverting the course of justice.

A new twist to Argy-bargy
The deepening economic crisis in South America has persuaded the Argentinian Government to come up with some drastic measures – including personal customers only being allowed to withdraw small amounts of money from their bank at any one time.

Undeterred, and desperate for a wedge to pay for some much-needed medicine, Mario Canniggia opted for the subtle approach to liberating his own funds. Having been refused his money, Canniggia returned to his local branch of the Banco Balsud in Tandil with a grenade and threatened to detonate the place unless his savings were produced.

Head office in Buenos Aires said he could have his money, and the clerk duly obliged.

If Canniggia thought he'd escaped punishment, though, he was sadly mistaken. He's now facing charges of extortion, and the illegal possession of military equipment.

Thankfully, the Banco Balsud's manager will now not be forced to stare at one more hole-in-the-wall than he'd bargained for!

When the 'Old Bill' is better
Staying Stateside for a moment, but this time north of the border, Cerberus has learned of a 44-year-old 'yob' who committed the heinous crime of calling a policewoman a pig.

Chances are he will not do so again, the presiding Judge in Gainesville, Ohio ruling that Steven Thompson should pay for his sins by standing next to a real life porker beside a busy city road for some two hours so that locals could jeer at him.

Of course, Joe Public in the UK would have referred to the policewoman as 'Old Bill'. A term of endearment. One that allows the orator to carry on bringing home the bacon rather than being served to the Courts on a platter.

Oh, those go-faster stripes...
A German partygoer who was taken to hospital after downing too much loopy juice contrived a stunning means of escape. He stole an ambulance, and promptly drove back to rejoin the celebrations in the town of Chemnitz.

According to our sources, 22-year-old Otto Bonhoff was unconscious when he arrived at the hospital, but disappeared before doctors had been able to examine him.

Cerberus is a great believer in the old maxim that says: "There's no friends in business." Mr Bonhoff didn't have many friends at the party, either, as some of the revellers spotted the dumped ambulance and called the police!

Any chance of a lift, guv?
Remand prisoner Jason Turner carried out a daring yet cunningly simple escape from Norwich Prison last month when he walked out of jail with a group of visitors.

Chris Savage, who was among the impromptu visitor escort party, told Cerberus that Turner asked him for a lift home in his car. Savage added: "Turner said 'Here, mate, are you driving? I've just escaped from in there, and I need a lift'." Savage wisely refused.

Our friend Mr Turner remains at large. With this in mind, Cerberus suggests that SMT's readers try a variant on an old saying. Never mind never accepting a lift from a stranger. Don't offer one either.