Greasy pole

Avoid pre-briefing staff. Going into a training session unsure why you are there considerably increases your concentration.

Adopt a 'sheep dip approach'. All staff should get the same training package, unchanged, for years. Avoid the "once dipped, always dipped" syndrome: staff should go on frequent re-runs of the same course.

Don't allow post-training action to interfere with your staff's working practices. If systems worked for years, why change them?

Explore wacky, expensive courses based on west-coast American self-help manuals. Encourage staff to listen to their inner child and set up lunchtime primal scream sessions on a drop-in basis.

Use training to reinforce a silo mentality in departments. The needs of each department are obviously not the same as others and therefore need "special" attention. Expensive training in customer care, diversity, time management and basic managerial skills can then be duplicated in each department.

Use a funky, young, training agency – preferably London-based – that doesn't do its homework on your organisation's culture. Let it put together an expensive package guaranteed to make staff and CEO squirm.

Always assume London is the only venue worth considering. Staff love it there.

Buy all the support material you can get your hands on and set up a state-of-the-art drop-in facility for staff. Avoid promoting it, and assume staff will use it before and after work and during lunch.

Replicate skills where possible. Avoid building a training and skills database.

Post-training evaluation. If it must be done at all, make sure feedback is purely verbal and at least six weeks after the event.