How to survive … the office party aftermath

Just how much can you remember?

A vital question of course and one you will have pummelled yourself with over the Christmas period. Just how drunk were you and who exactly did you snog? If you have a true, trusted friend at work who may have witnessed events take them out for a quiet (easy tiger) drink and threaten to kill them unless they tell you everything.

Does everyone snigger when you walk past their desks?

A dead giveaway this one. You must have done something pretty darn bad if that’s the reaction you’re getting. Turn the tables and embarrass them instead. When you hear a titter, ask gently, “Is there anything wrong Miranda? I thought I could hear you squeaking behind your PC.” If you keep your cool, it will soon do the trick.

Is it time to confront your demons?

Okay, so your actions were spurred on by a strong romantic inclination. You’ve fancied Terry/June from accounts for the past two years and never had the guts to speak to him/her. Now everyone knows he/she spent the whole party trying to avoid your amorous advances. You can do one of two things: deny everything when the subject comes up (as it will do on countless occasions) or pretend it never happened by ignoring it. The latter’s the best tack, as people will get bored of getting no reaction. Just remember “no” means no – unrequited love is a bitter pill, but one that must be swallowed.

When is attack the best means of defence?

If colleagues won’t stop their tittle-tattle, it’s time to turn the tables on someone else. If you can’t remember what happened to anyone else at the party, then make it up. A suitably salacious piece of gossip about a major nonentity in the company will soon take over from what anyone is saying about you (and he or she will just be glad of the attention).

What if my dancing made everyone cringe?

Easy. New year, new you. Get yourself down to some evening classes in salsa, ballroom, tango and fandango and you’ll wow even the company directors next year. Just think, if Darren Gough can learn to strut his stuff, there’s hope for us all…

Will my victim find out that I was their Secret Santa?

Another incident that’s keeping you awake at night. It was particularly nasty to give Hugo a blow-up plastic penis even if you do hate him. And even if he does work for Human Resources. The best advice is to admit nothing.

What is the ideal Christmas party etiquette?

To behave yourself. Go easy on the drink – so that you can avoid offending anyone, speaking the truth and dancing like your dad. The downside of good behaviour is that it can get you labelled a bore and that no one will want to hang out with you at work, let alone down the pub. Ah, like so many other things in life, you have to strike a fine balance between titillation and tedium.

What if I slagged off all the people I work with?

You could eat humble pie and apologise to each and every one of them. This doesn’t mean, of course, that they’ll forgive or forget. In fact, you’ll probably have to be super smarmy all year in order to curry favour.

What if I told the boss what a jerk he is?

If your P45 hasn’t come winging its way towards you already, he is either playing for time or looking forward to your pay review.

Will outrageous behaviour have damaged my career prospects?

How can I put this gently? Don’t scour the sales for next year’s party outfit, buy an interview suit instead.