Last orders

Like many of you, these days I seem to spend as much time sat at the computer answering emails, doing boring administrative work and playing solitaire as I do out in the field. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have time to make a cup of tea or pop out to the van for a kip.

But it's only through being forced to be part of this ceaseless, tiring, deskbound inanity that I have managed to uncover a deeply troubling trend within the security installation world – one that threatens the future of the industry itself.

I was first alerted to this problem while reading through my emails, searching in vain for a quote from a satisfied customer that I could use on some promotional material.

I noticed in my 'inbox' a message from a ‘Dr Meds’. I doubt my regular GP knows how to put finger to keyboard without causing some kind of unholy damage, if his prostate exams are any indication.

I opened the message from Dr Meds expecting some kind of plea for my business to be relocated to his practice, or something of a similar nature. But what I read was far more disturbing.

Somehow, the good doctor seemed to be aware of my personal problems. Somehow he sensed that my stressful lifestyle was causing difficulties in the bedroom department. And somehow, bless him, he knew that some pharmaceutical assistance was exactly what I'd been looking for. I sent off my credit card details immediately.

I was surprised when Guthead, my fellow installer and longtime friend, revealed he had been suffering from a similar ailment. He'd only been made aware of it when he received an email suggesting not only a course of capsules, but also some kind of corrective surgical procedure. He signed up for both, obviously, and was waiting to be advised of the date of his operation.

We decided to ring a few other installers we knew, just to let them know that they didn't need to keep their problems to themselves, and that help was just an email away.

But – and this is what I found most disturbing – almost every single one of the gents we spoke to was either unwilling to talk about his personal issues, or completely denied that they existed.

This is the problem. How on earth are we going to attract young and dynamic people to our industry if we cannot even admit to each other that this job takes not only a mental but a physical toll on our private lives?

If we cannot accept that our wives and girlfriends are the unwitting victims of the security industry, what future do we have?

Something must be done ...

Hover crafty idea

Not having a head for heights, I’ve always tried to avoid doing jobs involving a cherry picker, so my admiration goes out to the guy in our picture here.

The unusual scenario apparently came about after Facelift Access Hire UK was approached by one of the UK's largest wind farm maintenance companies.

Facelift immediately set about commissioning the first, and thus far only, Wumag 30m HC.

Seen here during trials in the North Sea, Facelift says applications for the product are limitless.

The inbuilt hovercraft provides an excellent platform for the 30m Wumag hover picker.

Not everything went smoothly – Facelift found that operator sea sickness was an initial issue, but overcame this by recruiting a team of ex-fishermen and training them up to hover-picker safety standards, with the use of the new inflatable safety harnesses.

Facelift says it has already had interest in the new product from a large window cleaning company based in Venice.

I say good on them. These types of new markets are the future.

Kids … don't you just hate them?

A London-based installation firm claims it has 'future-proofed' its engineers – by teaming them up with children as young as nine.

Bollo Locks Security says it launched the future-proofing programme due to the increasingly technical nature of the security installation industry.

MD Gerry Payes-Maiker told me: “More and more regularly I've heard complaints that new equipment is as difficult to programme, if not more so, than household video recorders. Add to that the increasing reliance on IP and networked products, and I thought the only sensible option was to call in the experts – children."

Each Bollo engineer is teamed with a child with natural expertise in programming or CCTV, who assists on-site and with any computer-based office problems.

At the moment, the child engineers are all the offspring of the staff of Bollo Locks, but Gerry says the firm plans to recruit from further afield in future.

"We're looking to be the best, so if any of these kids have friends with the relevant IP or mobile telephony skills, we'd certainly like to hear from them," he said.

I mentioned that some people might think this was a bit of a throwback to the bad old days of child labour. Gerry said nothing could be further from the truth.

"For a start, none of these children are paid, so to suggest that is just absurd. Technically they are on work experience programmes. It's all about maximising potential.

“All of the other firms who use only adult-aged employment bases will soon find themselves lagging behind when the new technology outstrips their ability to learn anything new."