Last orders

The campaign to have The Alarm record a 'hit single' on behalf of the security industry continues apace. Shortly after emailing the band last month, I received this response:

“Dear Mr. O Carte,

Thanks for your mail. Unfortunately, think you may be mixing up The Alarm with the Clash though as Mike Peters can't lay claim to London Calling :) Let us know if you need any more info.

All the best,

MPO Team.”

(I believe that 'MPO' stands for the 'Mike Peters Organisation', and that Mike Peters stands for being the lead singer of The Alarm.)

I also received this email not long afterwards, from the informative Tracey Postill of Heald, the company that designs and manufactures a wide range of high security roadblockers, barriers and bollards, traffic management products and access control systems.

“Dear Mr Carte,

After reading 'Last Orders' this morning, I was rather shocked to see the email you sent to the band the Alarm. Upon reading your admiration of ‘London Calling’ and your colleagues' love of ‘Sandinista’, I fear someone has been pulling your leg. The aforementioned album was by the Clash, and so was the aforementioned single, as the Alarm sung such great tracks as "68 Guns" and "Eye of the Hurricane".

This faux pas may not bode well for possible aid from the Welsh Band!

However, I am currently scribbling down a few lyrics, and will forward you anything of merit. Good luck in your quest for the ‘Hit single.’ Kind regards

Tracey.”

So it appears I may have made a tiny, inconsequential error about some popular songs of times gone by. I doubt The Alarm would be churlish enough to see this as a reason not to take advantage of this incredible opportunity.

Tracey, I am grateful for your input, and look forward to receiving your ‘scribblings’. Do not concern yourself overly with their ‘merit’ or lack thereof – bear in mind that this is pop music we are dealing with. Speaking of which, the talented, double-barrelled, and no doubt attractive and virile Peter Jordan-Turner of Dirickx UK Limited, specialist in perimeter protection, fencing,gates, and access control, has been in contact with his suggested lyrics for our security industry ‘smash’:

It’s not paranoia, it’s just good security

I can see you, I don't know who you are,

You're prowling around, getting near my car.

Don't look up now, the camera's zooming in,

You're being recorded,

Guards are moving in.

I don't know who you are

I don't know what you want

You might be up to no good

Or you might be a completely harmless slightly deranged social misfit

You're looking this way, I'll recognise your face

In court later, in your criminal case.

Stored on hard-drive, transmitted by IP,

You've been recorded,

By my monitoring company.

I don't know who you are

I don't know what you want

You might be up to no good

Or you might be a completely harmless slightly deranged social misfit

Your hoodie shows that you have bad intent,

My system told me where it was you went

You can't get closer, the fence gets in your way,

The gate's remotely managed

You're not getting in today

I don't know who you are

I don't know what you want

You might be up to no good

Or you might be a completely harmless slightly deranged social misfit

Or you might be a deluded terrorist seeking mayhem on western society

Or you might be a kid wagging off school, looking for a thrill

Or you might be a security consultant testing the perimeter

I don't know who you are

I don't know what you want

You might be up to no good

Or you might be a completely harmless slightly deranged social misfit.”

An excellent effort. It manages to address many appropriate issues, and is imbued with a subtle sense of dread and fear. However, I would suggest a slight addition, possibly in ‘rap’ form, to appeal to youngsters:

“So if you need additional security

Get in touch with the UK industry

They’re attractive and friendly and totally skillful.

They never ever ever go to work on a skinful

They’ll help you upgrade, or advise a new system

(Please offer a cup of tea and the use of your cistern.)

With reasonable prices for the quality received

They’ll pop a cap in your ass if you don’t believe...

Just kidding y’all.

In seriousness, though, invest in a new or upgraded security system.

Peace.”

I have emailed The Alarm with Mr Jordan-Turner’s lyrics and my additions. I’ll update you with their response. In the meantime, if you have any suggestions of your own, please email me at ocarte@hotmail.co.uk.