1...start the opening paragraph that describes career objectives with ‘all I've ever wanted to be is a…’ Just state succinctly and realistically where you want to end up

2...wax lyrical about the skills developed in your last role at the expense of those good old-fashioned job responsibilities

3...write in paragraphs. Use bullet points so potential employers can tell at a glance if they want to see you

4...attempt to hide inactive periods with vague chronology such as ‘2000-2002’. Three months in the Priory? Call it ‘lifestyle coaching’. But then again, if you can't actually remember what happened in the summer of ’91, you may be in trouble

5...go head-to-head with Tolstoy. CVs should be a maximum of two pages